Ladieez Night

oh how i wish pictures of last night's festivities made it into a camera somewhere. Chris and myself let it all hang out when we met Courtney and Rebecca for "Ladies Night" at the Blue Note early yesterday evening... dressed as "ladies". much to our delight and the chagrin of the fellow male patrons, we did, in fact, drink free all night long. Chris, a.k.a. "Shelly" wore an a very apropos seaShell bikini, camo shorts, high heels, and black cher wig with the pony sticking through her "Mrs. Timberlake" trucker cap. I donned a leopard print cat suit with a platinum blonde bob wig, black lipstick, and pink feather trimmed dressing gown while answering to the name "Simoné" a.k.a. "Simon".

There are so many bars to conquer now.

Meetin' the Neighbors

Met the neighbors tonight. They pretty much suck except for the plans for a swimming pool that spans both yards that you swim underneath Mariot style.

overheard at Sparkle Farm

"Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts." -Danny

you're insane

Mitch Baker, Derek Doublin, and myself spent a good chunk of last saturday blowing up ice cream cones in my hand. all in all a fairly typical day at the Sparkle Farm and for Derek and Mitch, an average day at work.

oh, this road. we don't get 'jackass' bored, but entertainment for us has to be of a certain latitude to even raise a brow.

in more than one topical discussion, heroin has been dismissed solely on the icky needle factor. it has to be the best thing ever, look at atrocious repercussions of it's abuse. i could never handle the responsibility of that much fun, needles or not. i would like it. i eat too many filet o' fishes. not to mention the insurmountable amount of star alignment that would have to happen for me to even be comfortable with the possibility. considering it took no less than three test cones, re-designing of the camera angles so my head could be turned away, and waiting for the exact melted consistency of the ice cream before even considering hand-held exploding dairy. heroin doesn't stand a chance.

my mail was late last thursday. for a good chunk of the world, retired and otherwise, this would be cause for high drama including neighborhood speculations and calls to the hospital. anything that breaks up their monotony. i just put my monotony in a blender, add rum, and decide where to install the stripper pole.

the architecture of my postal crisis had a few more stories. i was trying desperately to get to Austin for Leslie Hall's show and still get to bed at a decent time to be fresh for my audition on friday.



but i wanted to get the signature delivery express mail package from India that i ordered through the Canadian pharmacy for the Viagra that was supposed to have been available back at the post office at 4:45 before i left. i had a plan.

do not go speculating. my junk works. just ask Chris, who made us leave a certain college sangria bar in Antwerp because the eye candy permanently hardened the enamel on my "sweet tooth". that's a whole other blog.

i got caught off guard by a spam email. i just wanted to see what it did. i figured the six hour ride to Austin would be a safe environment to explore this curiosity. i knew i couldn't trust myself at home for that long with a boner. recipe for counter-productivity.

i got to the post office at 4:44. after three searches in the back and a few brow wipes hoping for discrete packaging, i was locked in to await the return of my "post" man. i was escorted out with my prize at 5:05, popped a pill in the parking lot, and was off.

thirty minutes, nothing. not that there is anything especially exciting on the drive from OKC, but i thought i'd get at least a partial from the Ronnie Milsap billboard at Riverwind Casino. i even fantasized about a Dolly Parton/Willie Nelson tribute to Merle Haggard tour. nothing.

two hours. nothing. time to get gas. insert "pay at the pump" joke. i decided to go in to the Love's truck stop for some water and got a raging hard-on in the beef jerky aisle. i skipped the water, sidled out, and avoided eye contact. dammit, ray. now i'm a blue collar comedy sketch.

the rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. Viagra is not that special. it just slightly lowers your threshold for wood potential. whatever. it did inspire me to change one of my monologues to be said to my dick. my character is a horny rich video game coder nerd and the script is a comedy. it was hilarious in my head.

went to the show. bed by 2. audition at noon. Tim McCanlies told me i was insane. i think it was in the good way?

gauze caftans from International Male. THAT'S insane.

"that high didn't cost you nuthin"

they say that starving to death is really a pleasant way to go. as you get closer and closer to your tyra weight, you body releases endorphins and makes you loopy happy. maybe it's meant as a last ditch effort to encourage a taco expedition, maybe it explains why some models talk that way, and maybe it's why i went to the gym today... twice.

i've been doing a mile and a half in the mornings, no big whoop. i figure i can at least do that while on the master cleanse. 8pm rolled around and raymond got antsy, so i went back and did another two and half miles. i now feel stupidly alive. like the dog that endlessly chases cars. tongue waggin in the breeze and not a brain cell to show for it.

i still want a rib.

g'bye ssmmoke

i just smoked my last cigarette for a bit. stupid Derek got me all excited about doing a Master Cleanse, but i had one pack left so i finished them. started fasting this morning after he and i went to my noise violation probation deferred adjudication rapin'. i got $84 back from a $204 bond. i extremely dislike my old neighbor that wasn't Derek. whatev, case dismissed.

so yeah, smoked while starting a health fast. gotta ease into these things. i don't know what it is about these fasts, but they are mildly addictive. this will be my third in almost four months. when i'm done, i will not have eaten in 24 days out of the last 120. you wouldn't know it from looking at me. i really went to town preparing for the movie. mcdonalds was my best friend and sometimes two packs of cigs turned into three on a good drinking night.

time to pay the piper and get back to feeling good about feeling good again.

tomorrow's gonna suck. Derek's already on day three so he's over the hump. i should have pizza delivered to him. you hear that Derek? i'm gonna send you a pizza with cheeseburgers on it.

at least i'll be a cheap date in l.a.

women's glib

my buddy Phil and i paid a visit to Mama's Smoking Aces yesterday afternoon at the less than prompt "its five o'clock somewhere" time of 3:30pm

to simply call it a dive bar would grossly misrepresent it's mostly working class non-lesbian lady clientele.

the sign on the door greeted us with my favorite misspelling of the year, "No open containers in or out of the bar. If you break this rule, YOU WILL BE BARED!"

that sentence gave us quite a chuckle until we opened the door and met head on with the women who could and would carry out that punishment, misspelled or not.

favorite quotes:

"that high didn't cost you anything"

"this is the fifth house i've lived in on the same street. my kids still live in the one i grew up in."

"now i'm scared of dark bathrooms, june bugs, AND ladders."

"sign up for your pre-paid beer card"

"here's some pens for you two to take home"

"this juke is old, sometimes you have to crumple up the new dollars to make it think they're old like it is."

"bite my right nut." "grow one." "i already did." (referring to the bulbous cyst on her right pinkie)

"mama must of shook me upside down when i was a kid, that's why the fungus is in all my fingernails instead of my feet."

"you think that gets you high? you ever sprayed LACQUER?"

we absorbed all of this in the time span of one hour. i also negotiated to buy the bars kerosene heater as soon as the owner got back with the new propane tanks.

we went straight to the HiLo after and had to wash our hands BEFORE we peed.

Thinking about Life

You know,
sometimes it amazes me
when I think of all the people in the world,
and all the innocent children,
and all the wonderful animals,
and really... all the LIFE on this crazy planet,

that I'd like to kill and eat.

LOL.
It just amazes me.

Man, I love meat.

Into the Cheese

such a good food.

"Happiness is only realized

when you have Nacho Cheese Doritos

covered in melted cheese

and a bowl of queso."

Into the Wild

such a fantastic movie.

"happiness is only real when it's shared"

in my skewed reality

i like to think that he was calling his office from Fred Segal because he found a hoodie that i would look great in (and i don't even like hoodies).


tobey.mp3


in my real reality, our paths rarely crossed on set and we never officially met. very thoughtful though.

i wonder what would happen if i called back and asked what kind of ringtone Tobey would want? yeah, i'll get him like a spiderman ringtone or something cool like that.

help the Yelapans

During our Mexico stay we will be visiting a little village called Yelapa. They are in need of school supplies there and Jami, the German, and myself are going to carry some down in our check-in luggage. If any of you Oklahomans or Austinites have some things you want to send down, get 'em to me before the 3rd. Or if you feel like sending some down, here is some info from the teacher there.

Pegge Bastress, Dorado 103, Yelapa, Jalisco, Mexico. If you are visiting Yelapa, you could look for me to make your donation, or call me at, 209-5172.

Packages with donated school supplies for the children may also be sent to the above address. Mark $0 value and "donativos para la escuela" on the customs slip. Smaller packages have a better chance of making it all the way to Yelapa, without the need of going to Vallarta to retrieve the package and pay duty.

On behalf of the parents and children, we send our appreciation and thanks.

Gracias, Pegge Bastress

Pegge Bastress,

Dorado 103,

Yelapa,Jalisco, Mexico

so scary, i might not even go

Derek has deep-ended (with floaties)

Derek Just Can't Stop

oh how they sparkle

Derek has been hard at work promoting the semi-private Sparkle Farm Bad Sweater Christmas party. if you don't know where the Sparkle Farm is, sorry, you're not invited. here's some of his handy work.

i want to be just like me

it's Austin, 1999. Laura House, Anna Bartkowski, and myself are drinking Schlitz at Ginny's Little Longhorn the day before Laura and i report to wardrobe for "Where the Heart Is". In walks "wardrobe" snapping pictures of the locals like they'd never seen chicken shit bingo before. they did not recognize us. pretty much they were there to take pictures of us so that they could dress us like us for the movie. sure enough, come shooting day, Laura gets donned with a replica of Anna's anchor tatoo and i am cracking cans of Schlitz for 26 takes. they finally gave me a can of water because raymond was sporting a nice little buzz by take 10.

i showed up to wardrobe for "Brothers" an hour ago. it is like a Red Wing shoe store in there. ray heaven. they pull out a pair and say, "why don't you try these on and we'll see how they look." i politely respond, "i am already wearing those."

i am loving the hotel and surroundings. it's as if Juanny Appleseed crop dusted the area with all my favorite delicacies. i don't think i will have time to visit all of the taco stands. here was my first stop. great shredded beef and chicken tacos. the home made salsa was a little Pace-ey and not enough cilantro but all in all not bad for my first stop.




the hotel is also home to the Desert Moon Bar and Grill which houses the meetings for New Mexico's oldest Lions Club chapter. ought to be good for some decent people watching and a decent cold beer tonight.

if any of the three people that read this thing know any good nightlife around these parts, i am all ears. anything from dive bars to techno. i am game for anything but sports bars and applebee's. the producers were kind enough to rent me a car and i ain't got shit to do tomorrow except nurse a pre-approved hangover. pre-approved meaning my character shows up with a case of the beast. i love my job.

View From the Top

i just arrived at my hotel in Santa Fe. quick update before I'm off to wardrobe. since i'm just barely above dayplayer status i guess i can tell you they put me up in the lovely Holiday Inn. it's actually kind of nice. just past the storage units i can make out a JC Penny through the mist.



if any of you feel the need to stalk some bit actors, knock yourself out, i'm in room 319. if you are looking for the stars, they ain't here.

ok, i'm off so they can dress me like me á la "Where the Heart Is"

more later.

Dear Santa,

i want some candy and a and a German opera singer and a and and i want to be half-naked in a movie with Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman. oh, oh and a trip to Mexico.

oh and Santa? please make me fat and hairy for my underwear scene. that would be great, thanks.

some of you already know, but Santa's gonna hit some turbulence and these windfall goodies are somehow landing in my chimney (shut-up Blynch) this december.

over Thanksgiving, my young cousin inquired on how to become an actor. "no problem kid, here's my thirty-two 'can't lose' steps to stardom."

step 1. star in a 5th grade play with Emmy nominated actress and first roller skating rink date, Amy Ecklund.
step 2. forget all about drama til high school.
step 3. do some plays and stuff.
step 4. forget all about drama til the end of college.
step 5. get a degree in AGRICULTURE(very very important step)
step 6. decide you are hilarious despite others honest insistence otherwise.
step 7. do improv until you become sporadically, tolerably humorous.
step 8. audition for everything everywhere all the time don't care if it's for an infant latina you might be a good choice.
step 9. make a complete ass out of yourself to every single 'industry' person that comes within 200 miles of Austin.
step 10. do every workshop within 200 miles of Austin.
step 11. get headshots with stud earrings in (true).
step 12. become the Texas Lotto Guy!
step 13. book a tiny role in a big feature film. (did i mention it's been over 19 years now)
step 14. move to Hollywood because you have done a movie and you know everything.
step 15. live on the Sunset Strip because that is where people live, right?
step 16. starve
step 17. starve
step 18. send out hundreds of headshots and resumes searching for an agent.
step 19. get amazing commercial agent because you are the Texas Lotto Guy and find out that no theatrical agent will touch you because you are the Texas Lotto Guy.
step 20. book several national commercials and spend all of the money on your Sunset Strip apartment, booze, and overpriced Second City classes.
step 21. decide you are a producer and ride the coat tails of your genius roommate.
step 22. avoid lawsuit by Anne Heche.
step 23. go back to Texas
step 24. go back to Hollywood for two months because you got lucky being a producer.
step 25. avoid lawsuit by Anne Heche.
step 26. go to Oklahoma, live next to a bar, grow a two foot beard and get a role in another feature film.
step 27. go back to Hollywood, get an amazing manager, audition for roles that only q-rated actors get to play. instead of booking any of those...become the ESPN bowling guy.
step 28. get your El Camino stolen.
step 29. go back to Oklahoma
step 30. get everything you own stolen.
step 31. completely ignore Hollywood for two years
step 32. Hollywood will call you to send in tape for one of those q-rated roles and you will get to be in your underwear with Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman. oh, did i mention it was just me in my underwear. just me. in my underwear. them? fully clothed. me, underwear. yep. yeah. hairy underwear ray. yep.

Tada! if you start now you can be done by 2040!

Thanks Santa and Rebecca!

i gave my computer a bath

and washed all the myspace off... on purpose. most of y'all still know how to find me.

take a picture it'll last longer

CLEEEE-ICK

the newest addition to my white trash themed cologne collection:

CAMERA






it comes in a voyeuristically shaped camera lens bottle and actually smells decent. look out ladies (and gentlemen). ray's gonna be donning CAMERA for the Girlie Show tomorrow. try and resist my lecherous smell gaze.

i appropriately broke my bottle of STUD in Amsterdam, but fear not, a replacement is on the way.

smell ya later,

ray

mein Computer wird gehaftet

ever since i got back from Europe, myspace only pimps ads in German and prices are in Euros. i guess i'll just have to move.

all hopped up on the juice

i just ate my first meal in 6 days.

Europe was a whirlwind, if that whirlwind was trapped in a tornado reeking landslides. i was so cruel to my body in my pursuit of all that is fun. Derek and i had two shots of absinthe one night, decided that two shots were way too much and they pushed us over the edge so the next night we did four. one night i bought five packs of cigarettes. i don't if i lost some or smoked them all or ate them. i do know i ripped the cover off an umbrella and made a smoking carousel out of half a pack. you get the picture.

so last wednesday i started this:


Nature's Secret Ultimate Fasting Cleanse


the first day was a preparation day and wasn't that bad. just juice, water, and about five cigarettes. my body was happy for the break. thursday morning was a little rough, but by the afternoon i was starting to feel oddly terrific. after that it was a walk in the park. sure, i had cravings and Pavlovian taco bell drive-bys, but i was never hungry. i even went out friday, saturday, and sunday. just drank the juices from the can. went to the gym friday, saturday, sunday, and monday. i couldn't believe my body was running on just juice, these little supplement pills, and the pills that go all Mr. Clean on your innards.

so for six days now, i have been caffeine, booze, cigarette, and FOOD free. yesterday i started cooking up a storm in preparation for today's first non-juice meal at lunch (ok, i ate lunch at 10:30, i was anxious). i boiled two chickens, made black beans and brown rice with the broth. made some chicken soup from the chickens and a chinese chicken salad. all of this while not sampling a single bite. it wasn't easy but it wasn't that hard either.

just now had a small portion of the chinese chicken salad. almost threw up. it was delicious, but i guess i need to ease back onto solids. weird. never in a million pizza days did i think ray prewitt would have to purposely ease back onto solids. if Salt Lick was in front of me right now, i would lose my membership in the CYPC. dammit, ray.

so if you need to hit your body's reset button....

anyone need anything from the liquor store?

Big Fish

the biggest fish i have never caught took almost five hours to reel in.
i never saw him up close,
but still one of the most exciting moments of my life.
he broke the line right at the boat.
i will keep fishing those same waters.
i will use every lure at my disposal.
someone else may hook that fish. he may break off again.
i may get another chance.
i may settle for a smaller fish.
maybe it was just a small fish with a good fight.
i may never know.
but i will become a better fisherman and
there will be mutual respect.

before i forget

parades don't go backwards

hooray fat kid!

i am a fat kid! they didn't have my regular size in a pair of shorts i really wanted but they did have a boys size 18H. that's a 18 Husky to all you Sordid Lives fans. thank you to the fat kids of the world! without you i would be pantsless. wait a ..

gross

people that eat food while wearing mittens are gross.

bye Bill

My old next door neighbor, Bill Gasser, passed away.

He is a person I have not thought about in quite some time. As a matter of fact, it has been so long that when I got the message that he had passed away, a smile actually washed over my face. I'm finally mature enough to put all my memories of him into perspective and realize what an impact this man had on my childhood.

It's too late for me to miss him. All I can do is just grin and celebrate his life.

Rebecca McCauley commented the other day that there was not a single thing she could think of that I can't do. Well, Miss Rebecca, that is high praise, especially coming from you. I wish you could have met the man that really deserves that amount of respect. Bill had EVERY tool. He could fix ANY thing. The man had no boundaries when it came to broken. I had started taking things apart to see how they worked just before Bill entered the scene, but this man could actually put them back together and properly.

This is the man that taught me that you don't have to throw something away because it is broken and you don't have to pay somebody to change your oil either.

I never got to drink a Miller Lite on the tailgate of his truck with him. Tonight, I think I'll give a little toast to the toolbox in the sky.

I won't miss you, Bill. I'll just remember how awesome you were.

new car smell

so Derek's recent car acquisition go me to thinkin'. how many cars have i had in my life? i go through them like toilet paper. i'm gonna try and list them. if you think of any i am missing, please let me know. these aren't in order, that would be too hard.

1979 yellow suburban
1979 alfa romeo spyder
1984 renault encore
1983 buick regal
198? blue ford pickup
1989 maroon suburban
1986 pontiac sunbird convertable
1987 jeep wrangler
1989 mazda 929
1983 cadillac seville
1984 volkswagon rabbit
1977 mercedes 450slc
1989 mercedes 560sl
1964 cadillac limousine
1979 cadillac limousine
1994 jaguar xj6
1997 jeep wrangler
1998 jeep wrangler
1995 jeep grand cherokee
1997 cadillac el dorado
1993 buick century
1984 chrysler lebaron convertable
1986 chrysler lebaron convertable
1984 chevy el camino
2001 Nissan Xterra
2004 jeep wrangler

hmm, that is .807692308 cars for every year i have been driving. i'm sure i'm leaving a couple off.

What?!

I can't follow your days of the week. Count me out.
OR count me in if that means you'll answer your phonel
Where, other than Derek, are my buddies?
If Germany answeres this is ober.

Sundays are the new Wednesdays

this here 'drunken' blog hasn't seen a drunken post since Russel phoned one in from Nashville and that was months ago. in lieu of me attempting a thursday afternoon mini-bender to set things straight, i'm gonna explain the new 'entertainment' calendar for Oklahoma City.

we all know that different cities have their own schedules that ebb and flow and roller and coaster in relation to the traditional monday thru friday work week. i've just recently figured out OKC's for the summer months. we'll call it a perpetual 7 day forcast that should last until octoberish.

Sunday = Wednesday
wednesdays have typically been a flex day. you could go out. you could stay in. with religious obligations waining here underneath the buckle of the bible belt, sunday has stepped up it's role as a day of fun. if you don't want the weekend to end, use your sunday. if you are too tired from an already too awesome weekend, take a breather. there are plenty of options including a free brunch at the HiLo or a poolside Natty Light beer bust for a mere $6... or the couch. everyone knows monday is gonna suck anyway. how much worse could a little sunday fun make it?

Monday = Tuesday
tuesday used to be a flex day. monday has taken to dressing up like tuesday recently, but like cinderella, never past midnight and always in flats or it's shoes will fall off.

Tuesday = Friday
tuesday got so tired of being tuesday that it had gender and species re-assignment surgery. she's a snappin' finger face hellcat and she don't give a fuck. nobody talks about tuesday on wednesday. they just know.

Wednesday = Biggie Shorty
officer, I KNOW my license says wednesday, but my name is FRIDAY MUTHA FUCKERRRR! no, dumbass, that's my sister, tuesday, she a tease. check the alias 'humpy', if you know what i mean. i lost another mother fuckin' heel.

Thursday = Sunday
sunglasses to work. aspirins or better to open. disco naps in the stall. i was following this schedule in Austin during 1996 and actually crawled up in john travolta's jet to take a nap because i knew no one would look for me there. no that isn't some kind of gay code. true story.

Friday = Thursday
thursday used to be the new friday, but as you can see it got a heavy demotion after the tuesday/wednesday coup. friday means the weekend is here but since you've just had one, this night ends up being casual wild. India calls it amatuer night. it's gonna be riddled with college kids, aberzombies and bitch, G.N.O.s (girls night outs, pronounced "NO" because that's all girls says when they go out in packs of three or more), and there are gaggles post-Applebee mall-dressing club goers. there's no point really. just take your significant other on a nice date and go home and get laid.

Saturday = 2 for 1 Wednesdays
infinity. it's like holding two mirrors opposite each other. the game is to try and cram as many saturdays into one saturday. i think my record is three. you will see the sunrise. hell, you might even see two sunsets (see sunday, flex day).


there. now when i say i'll call you back on tuesday you can look at the forcast and know that i will actually call you on...thursday?

anyone else have a similar schedule for their town of residence?

movin on up and down and up and down

i'm moving back to l.a. and this is why...

http://kevissimo.gigsville.org/2007_06_08rayderek/5day.htm

the girl OF my dreams

not the girl FROM my dreams.

so this really annoying girl keeps showing up in my dreams. to the point that when i see her coming i will just wake up rather than deal with her. yessir, i have a dream stalker. she snuck up behind me this morning. when i turned around to find her, i was pretty rude. i did the whole flustered, "um, hey, i have to wake up now." and that's what i did. sorry annoying girl FROM my dreams. if you can read this, let's not be friends, mmmkay? one day you are gonna interrupt a wet dream and you'll be sorry. Tori Spelling sorry.

more flipside pictures

are up at the same site. thanks to Tigger from Gigsville!