Dear Santa,

i want some candy and a and a German opera singer and a and and i want to be half-naked in a movie with Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman. oh, oh and a trip to Mexico.

oh and Santa? please make me fat and hairy for my underwear scene. that would be great, thanks.

some of you already know, but Santa's gonna hit some turbulence and these windfall goodies are somehow landing in my chimney (shut-up Blynch) this december.

over Thanksgiving, my young cousin inquired on how to become an actor. "no problem kid, here's my thirty-two 'can't lose' steps to stardom."

step 1. star in a 5th grade play with Emmy nominated actress and first roller skating rink date, Amy Ecklund.
step 2. forget all about drama til high school.
step 3. do some plays and stuff.
step 4. forget all about drama til the end of college.
step 5. get a degree in AGRICULTURE(very very important step)
step 6. decide you are hilarious despite others honest insistence otherwise.
step 7. do improv until you become sporadically, tolerably humorous.
step 8. audition for everything everywhere all the time don't care if it's for an infant latina you might be a good choice.
step 9. make a complete ass out of yourself to every single 'industry' person that comes within 200 miles of Austin.
step 10. do every workshop within 200 miles of Austin.
step 11. get headshots with stud earrings in (true).
step 12. become the Texas Lotto Guy!
step 13. book a tiny role in a big feature film. (did i mention it's been over 19 years now)
step 14. move to Hollywood because you have done a movie and you know everything.
step 15. live on the Sunset Strip because that is where people live, right?
step 16. starve
step 17. starve
step 18. send out hundreds of headshots and resumes searching for an agent.
step 19. get amazing commercial agent because you are the Texas Lotto Guy and find out that no theatrical agent will touch you because you are the Texas Lotto Guy.
step 20. book several national commercials and spend all of the money on your Sunset Strip apartment, booze, and overpriced Second City classes.
step 21. decide you are a producer and ride the coat tails of your genius roommate.
step 22. avoid lawsuit by Anne Heche.
step 23. go back to Texas
step 24. go back to Hollywood for two months because you got lucky being a producer.
step 25. avoid lawsuit by Anne Heche.
step 26. go to Oklahoma, live next to a bar, grow a two foot beard and get a role in another feature film.
step 27. go back to Hollywood, get an amazing manager, audition for roles that only q-rated actors get to play. instead of booking any of those...become the ESPN bowling guy.
step 28. get your El Camino stolen.
step 29. go back to Oklahoma
step 30. get everything you own stolen.
step 31. completely ignore Hollywood for two years
step 32. Hollywood will call you to send in tape for one of those q-rated roles and you will get to be in your underwear with Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman. oh, did i mention it was just me in my underwear. just me. in my underwear. them? fully clothed. me, underwear. yep. yeah. hairy underwear ray. yep.

Tada! if you start now you can be done by 2040!

Thanks Santa and Rebecca!